Mania

Manic night tonight. Screaming can't settle kids down...why oh why Dow e live in such chaos. Tired Want to go to bed but can't slow my head from thinking about everyone on my life. I always want to please and help people and some people are just mean and rude. I am so concerned e and frustrated with why things always happen to me. I am wanting to stay positive.

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh

Forty five minutes of straight screaming and not sure why,  I wish god could come down and hug my little girl when I can't .

Carol is in the hospital because of her blood count and rash from chemo...Brian is still being helpful..I

Love him working half days.  I only
Y hope he continues so his mood is good.

We had our first crabby message from the depths of thenBrian mind. The kids were playing with the hose in the back and it is attached to the water softener. he told them they could only use the front hose. Well2 ten yr old boys with a hose and ADHD. Recipe disaster. They started shoot water on cars driving by. I wish we could trust them t now what is right. I was enjoying the conversation with the other mom I was having. Brian started yelling multiple times but it was for a good reason and the boys needed to learn. I just wish he could learn to tame it when people are here. Run, jump, play in the summer sun. Pretend you were a child again and didn't mind playing in the sandbox. God could get messy, spill things and make mistakes.

Driving means freedom

Brian passed his driving test today! I am relieved I can now focus more on me and he can get back to caring for himself.  The more independent he becomes the better for me.  I was not happy having to drive an hour today and wait 3 hours to drive another hour back.  But remember my philosophy is that even awful things have positive aspects.  This created a freedom for me that I needed right now.  The bankruptcy paperwork is being prepared and school is getting ready to begin.  Carol needs help getting to doctors and Brian continues to have doctors.  Driving him was just another full time job.  How else do I want to be free...driving...money...

A couple stopped by our house today and Brian said they needed their air fixed.  We went to help and when we got there I realized it was a friend who had given us many gift cards to help us since Brian had his stroke.  I had never met her and it was her parents that stopped by so the connection had not been made at first.  She had lost her husband to cancer last year and was paying it forward when she helped us out.  As Brian fixed the air conditioner she and I talked and shared stories.  It seemed like we had know each other forever.  The best thing she said was she hated it when people would say, "God never gives you more than you can handle."  I said so true and she said she often looked up and said I've had enough and I can't handle any more.  For some reason I can't get that out of my head today.  I am blessed to have 3 wonderful children, a home to live in, and my husband is alive, but somehow I wonder how much more does God expect me to handle?